If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
the only thing coherent you said from what i saw of you is when you were throwing up, i asked if you were done and you just "uh huh you know what it is"
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
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