the night i cant remember will be the night i always remember thanks to my "i
this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
Changed my mind. Wearing a dress. Casual, with a side of breasts.
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
2015 is a year for health and mental stability and alas we are not yet there so yolo
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
