my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
This is classic penis vs brain.
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
Randomize
