everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
i just sat down and hooked up with this girl. after she left i called over another girl and did the same. this happened about four more times and i never left my chair
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
So I love answering sex questions in intimate relationships class on a clicker when im sitting next to my cousin..
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
Randomize