Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
I'm not sure, 7-8, the last bit was a rush of at least three blended together. Basically you fucked me so stupid that I can't even recall the number of orgasms.
So you know, I'm making that my facebook status.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
Is there one of me peeing? If so do I look bangable in it
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
Randomize
