I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
Ill go to bed but tamed sharks isnt so much of a bad idea. Not for riding
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
We had sex six times. In a span of 8 hours. Confirmation I don't need to go to the gym.
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
