the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
Take xtc, wait 20 minutes and then take a shower. Trust me.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
I normally need adult supervision or a babysitter, but I refuse to let someone keep me from making irresponsible and wrong decisions at the bar on my last bday ill ever have in texas
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
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