we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
So I can officially say that someone has licked whipped cream off my nipples. Go senior year
I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
Randomize
