how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
We learned many a lesson today about drug use in canoes
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Randomize
