Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
she was concerned about my dick piercings.
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
Randomize
