Ok just saw a girl open a pillbox, dump it out on her notebook and count out 13 adderall tabs and put them in a baggie and leave. Oh hey college.
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
Randomize