i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
you had me at cake vodka
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
Randomize
