Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
you alive?
ya, the episode of maury where people are afraid of things are on, i had to keep livin
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
I feel like ass. I'm missing 12 hours of my life and all I have to show for it is an empty wendys bag. Those Shrooms were too much... When do we do it again?
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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