The Worst (noun)- 1. Getting up at 6am after a night of drinking. 2. Wearing a Peter Rabbit costume.
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
At 12:16 am. We just got out of the truck and went behind it and fucked. With 3 people in the truck. On the side of the road. As cars drove by.
btw, whatever u do, dont try and take that towel away from her..i tried, it got ugly..she said some things im sure she regrets.
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
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