I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
in the practice room. just found 3 bottles of smirnoff hidden inside the piano. SO glad i didn't get into berklee...
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
Randomize