This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
She was giving me head while we were in my tree house, my mom then came out to let the dog out so she stopped so I would stop groaning, was it good? You tell me
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
Randomize
