i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
HE'S turngign 18teen real soon.k
I thought that u needed a break due the fact that your nipples were bleeding
"guaranteed dick" "anywhere - her room, my room, trees, couch"
Sorry that was quotes about you from the grad student.
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
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