my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
i told her parents not too worry the way i do it girls dont get pregnant
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
But we have bathrooms and they dont
Randomize
