I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
right after that u started calling me g-force and started trying to bellyslide down his drive way
Randomize