Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
Do you know of any good hiding spots in the Atlanta area?
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
