This girl is very crazy
She's one of those compassionate ppl
So everything I said on this seemingly endless date offended her
We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
Is it worth it to drive to a zoo with a high possibility of sex at said zoo?
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
Steve brought 6 joints and 2 bottles of makers mark, Josh shat himself in the pool, and Amy blew me. Hope that extra 3 dollars an hour for working overnights is still worth it.
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
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