Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
home. puking in laundry basket.
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
I'm gonna fight the coyote
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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