I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
you inspire me to be a worse person
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
I wish! That ended in 2001 when we all got collectively band from the Settle Inn. As a group we are also band from social events at the zoo. It's impressive really.
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
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