You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
See I am maturing. I just got in from my DRIVE of shame......
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