Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
Just to clear things up, yes you did lick the strippers butt
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