Getting fucked up met up rando with a girl I confesswed my love for last night. weird, going with it
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Randomize
