I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
Randomize
