I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
now I regret adding my aunt on facebook. she remnded me today on my wall about the importance of checking my stools for blood since I have diaherria.
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
I'm tired of the topic. I sent him a pic of my vagina to change it.
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
Randomize
