He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
Is it because I queefed?
I don't get why Lindsay Lohan doesn't just blame her bad behavior on her twin sister from the Parent Trap. I mean nobodys seen her since.
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
Randomize
