I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
i swear to god. if they dont have practically DTF written on their foreheads, or a glowstick in their hands, strictly no entry.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
I think we should bring back the casual nipple tassel
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
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