I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
this isnt the first time ive seen her dressed as abe lincoln
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
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