i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
