I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
then for some reason i googled "how much to buy a cannon"
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
I'm gay. Congratulations to whoever had January 2014 in their pool.
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
Randomize
