I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
Just watched porn on a 60 inch plasma screen TV... So that's where the clitoris is
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
