OMG. Drunk.
I'm so glad you fill me in on these things.
Sorry. Must've been trying to twitter.
Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
hahahaha classic. this is why you are going to a college with a hospital right next to it
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
Randomize
