please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
momentary stint on a second floor library computer...guy next to me snorted blue adderall off his notebook through a cut straw, i cant tell if this guy is my hero or just plain crazy...
Randomize