so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
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