So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
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