the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
I honestly don't know what my boundaries are, but shitting on me is crossing them.
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
i feel like im paying for every hangover i didnt experience last year as a freshman. thank you sophomore year.
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
Randomize
