I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! Live in the flesh!
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
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