I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
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