i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
remember the good old days of high school when a half gal would last for more than a nite
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
I spent the entire night stroking his hair. He was cool with it. Never thought a ginger stoner would help me work through my social anxiety but here we are.
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
Randomize
