it was terrible. i could've done a better job by myself.
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
Randomize
