i just puked in front of my entire floor a girl on crutches asked iof i needed help hahaaa fuck ima damn fool
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Randomize
