"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
Just used my last prints at the library for brackets instead of final reviews. Hello March.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
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