I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
Please tell me how the stripper got back to Sarah's from the trailer park
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
Randomize
