im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
I remember key bumps, porn and a mom in my bed. Sums up my day.
that is an amazing summary hahaha
Would "deck the halls with penises " be an appropriate event title? I know peni is the plural but flow of the tongue as well
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
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