just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
He told me I was the only person he wanted to fuck in his rental mini van. Thats so romantic for a fuck buddy relationship.
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
Seeing your boyfriend, side piece, and great white buffalo, all in one night? Its a sign right?
Proceed with caution.
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
Randomize
