the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
Lucas & I had a photo shoot with her cape & I had child arm floaties on most the night.. woke up in a spiderman bed
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
I'm a full-grown woman and thusly I expect my sphincters to behave themselves.
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
Randomize
