i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
Helping a hot freshman girl move in = 2 hours of my life One bottle of cheap vodkas = $10 Watching her do the walk a shame on her first morning away from home = Priceless
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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