I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
It's like the sisterhood of the traveling vaginas over here
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
Randomize
