Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
That's why Kanye is a gay fish.
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
Green mimosas i think yes
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
foreskin is a definite game changer
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
Randomize
