Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
omg. MEgabus. stoned.
Theres these two guys talking.
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
Randomize
