First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
over or under 1pm before my bracket is too blurry to read?
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
In fact, not a good idea to go into any house alone after a man invites you in from his balcony.
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
Randomize
