I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
I wish i was in the wii world.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
This freshman just ran out of her seat in a 200 person lecture, opened the emergency door and vommed everywhere. Then quietly went back to her seat. $2 Pitchers hit someone hard last night.
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
I am in no place to make rational decisions, but right now i want you inside me
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
Randomize
