My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
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