I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
The amount of drugs I did this weekend make me concerned about my health but at the same time fascinated to see if I could do more
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
I believe you can. But if you can have rum with breakfast then do that. Definitely do that.
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
Randomize
