2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
Heyyyy, naked guy in your kitchen, can i ask you a quick question about a legal situation in pb??
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