sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
bahahahaha i would laugh soo hard if someone did this for me hahahaha this guy would become my best friend
Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
he passed out at 11 at a party. he deserved to be stripped down an duct taped to the floor
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
They play video games, go on acid trips, and in times of need, are willing to donate plasma together. COUPLE OF THE YEAR.
I NEED to see if his girl has a sister.
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Randomize
