I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
We invented this drinking game where you pick and random video and drink for every misspelled word in the youtube comments. It did not end well.
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
Lets start a coed nudist frat/sorority. It would be amazing. Or just an orgy club. It would also be amazing
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
Randomize
