If there was chocolate on Regis Philban's dick, I would totally lick it off. That's how desperate I am for some right now.
I told him I was prego. He asked coul we do it without a condom now since I cldn't get any pregnanter. What an a-hole.
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
I'm ultimately at thr Shariton to drink and ppssibly puke on fancy shit. Thats my story and Im sticking to it.
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
I normally need adult supervision or a babysitter, but I refuse to let someone keep me from making irresponsible and wrong decisions at the bar on my last bday ill ever have in texas
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
Randomize
