I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
is it pathetic that I think he's cheating and it doesn't bother me because for the first time I'm the girlfriend and not the other girl?
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
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