I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
Dude it's SB. It's a proven fact that all you need to survive on is beer, weed, chips and maybe some amphetamines
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
Nothing says casual like stairwell bjs
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
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